I'm sadder than I thought I'd be about JCS. Man.

I realize that a once in a lifetime opportunity comes along like this and I blew it. I friggin' blew it. When am I going to learn.

Well, I did not get the Jesus Christ Superstar directorialship.

I wish I was saying this out of anger, because when i say things out of anger, they usually end up not coming true. But it's the same feeling I got in the back of my mind when the New Hampshire Theatre Awards made it in spite of everyone saying it would fail.

I'm saying this directly to the Actorsingers board. You failed on bringing the best possible show to Nashua for Jesus Christ Superstar. You failed on getting the most passionate, most complete director for this project. You forget that I live in New York City, and could bring the talent that this show deserves to audition for the main roles. I know that someone will step in and do a great job with the show, but I was planning to write a novel inside the program for this show called "The Gospel According To Judas," which would be given to Andrew Lloyd Webber as a possible jumping off point for future shows.

I was hoping my work in the New Hampshire Theatre Awards would mean something to the state of New Hampshire, ie, the ability to write a script, know the ins and outs of music (although the music would get messed up a bit), and show everyone I was capable of directing an incredible show.

I guess I was unable to express to them how important this show was to me and what I'd do for it.

In some ways, this is a blessing. It allows me to continue on with Nine 11 unabated. But it does put a hint of doubt in my work up to this point: Has my work not been that great up to this point, even in New Hampshire, where EXCELLENCE IN THEATRE was the thing I set up a system to award?

I guess I have to work harder in the future... find the issues prevalent in my own work and fix them.

I'm sad. For Actorsingers, for myself, and for the Jesus Christ Superstar that's been waiting to come out of me for 15 years.

Ah well... perhaps later. Lincoln lost every election on his way to the presidency.

I talked with Barry Zelman today, who lost his brother on September 11th on the 99th floor of the World Trade Center. I just can't help but feel like I would choose the same path he took if I had lost Shea in a sudden terrorist accident. You can feel his desire to know the truth come out in his voice, and his cadence and eloquence are characteristics that aid in that task.

Anyway, he and an active member of the Family Steering Committee gave me the email address of someone who might be able to spread the message about Nine 11 the musical amongst the families of New York City for me. I will exhaust that avenue tomorrow.

The redesign for nhtheatre.com is underway. You can view it at http://www.nhtheatre.com/index_new.asp

Tomorrow, I do Nine 11 work and house repairs. Then I finish the redesign. I'm supposed to hear one way or the other about Jesus Christ Superstar. Hopefully, it's yes. We will soon find out.

I'm in a writing mood tonight. Good night. =)

Hell Cry
By Matty Gregg

I woke up in a cold sweat one night.
There was a hard rain outside.
I thought I was dreaming,
And realized I was remembering.
Nightmaring, if you will.

I sat up, assured I was ok,
Tied my robe, and ambled to the window.
Harsh rain fell upon the streets below
I looked closer at the drops
That found their way to the top of my windowsill.

There I watched them, one by one,
Dropping from the dark cloud above.
Hitting the windowsill with such impact
It tore them completely apart.

Realizing they could no longer afford
To dream in that cloud, they wish for release,
The cloud forcing them out harshly to the ground.
While the drops prayed for peace.

It was raining on September 11th,
though the sun stood tall in the sky.
And the black cloud over New York City
was raining sadness that would make Hell cry.

Went down to Ground Zero today and took a bunch of pictures. Also talked to the representative from LMDC (Lower Manhattan Development Corporation) and got contact information regarding the future of the performing arts center. What I find interesting is that although Silverstein has leased the ground for the World Trade Center, he isn't the driving force behind the development of the land. I have to wonder what Silverstein thinks about that considering he just paid out 2.x billion dollars. In terms of making that investment back, he's got a pretty bad start.

I have some interesting pics that I'll be putting up later tonight. Right now, I have to clean this place and pick Kathy up from the airport.

Congratulations to the Detroit Pistons for beating the Pacers for their chance to get kicked by the Lakers!

Flying Angel - Nine 11 : The Musical
By Matty Gregg

Angel, take flight.
Your father won't be home tonight.
Your path is dark as you've lost his light.
But up there in the clouds
Is a father that's proud
To sing out loud, "my flying angel."

Angel, fly high,
You cannot let his spirit die.
The wind hits your face with his omnipresent sigh.
And the things we would do,
Like the beach or the zoo
Will be waiting for you, his flying angel.

Though the blindness is thick,
And your will starts to crack.
Hopelessness makes you wonder
"Is my light coming back?"

Angel, I'm here,
I will not leave you throughout the years,
I will outline his path without fear.
Go to bed. Don't forget.
Fly to his silhouette...

And your dreams will go spinning
As you keep on winning
Thirty years down the line
When the pain's gone with time.

And I'm scared above all,
That you will not recall
How your father once called you his flying angel.

MEMORIAL DAY BLOG

I received an email from a family member today expressing an interest in Nine 11... asking what it's all about and what it intends to do. And as I was writing a response back, I realized how much his inquiry made me wish that I had people this interested in the death of my father that I could ask these questions to someone else... it certainly would've helped in my healing process. I guess the idea is that my memories of my dad are fuzzy, and were never fully chronicled... many of them were forgotten because of it.

Jen and Brett left this morning. It was great to have them here due to the fact that they were yet another outlet for me to get psyched about Nine 11 again. I think they believe in the virtue of it, but moreover, Brett expressed to me that it's nice to be around people who follow their dreams, like me. I thought that was a great gesture and an amazing accomplishment. I honestly had never thought about that until now.

I noticed some interesting things about the new design last night as I was perusing the halls of the World Financial Center. Here are two pictures of the new performing arts center that they are opening up which will be part of the Freedom Tower on Vesey Street:

Wouldn't it be a perfect fit to open Nine 11 right there? As a non-typical Broadway show... perhaps it should never actually be on the street of Broadway. And with my desire for the blue lights to continue to shine over the horizon of New York City, perhaps we could put them right next to the show itself... this would be the greatest living memorial to any event in the history of America.

Don't we owe that to the greatest tragedy?

BTW, this is a fun quiz for anyone who is interested in it:


Which Peanuts Character Are You?

In the new Freedom Tower, they're opening a performance arts place. Wouldn't that be absolutely amazing if Nine 11 were to open there? I cannot even imagine the stars aligning for something like that to happen.

I met a man today named Edwin down at Ground Zero, who was passionate about telling us of his project; 5 Freedom Flags being passed out to different places to remember the victims of September 11th. He is an amazing person, and he gives of himself so selflessly in this project. I can't get over the fact that I saw that gleam in my eye at one point and I want it back. I need to concentrate more on families. They need to somehow know of this project and jump onboard.

I need a different plan... starting on Memorial Day tomorrow, I will come up with one.

Re: Kathy... I don't know about her. I love her. I don't want the passion to die. Maybe it has. It rips out my heart because I really love the girl. I just don't know what to say to her anymore. The "I love yous" are received with less and less happiness, and sometimes indifference. Perhaps it just wasn't intended at this time in our lives to fall in love. That's very possible.

Ah, well. Kathy, I know you don't know about this weblog, but I love you and miss you. I don't want to feel like you're a million miles away when you're sleeping less than a foot away from me.