It's been a year of difficult experiences... but... isn't this what I asked for? Isn't this what I wanted to overcome?
I've gone through months of complacency and disdain for Nine 11. I hated it because I have a difficult time separating it from me. It is a completely different entity from who I am, and sometimes I miss that concept altogether. In consequence, I'm forced to live through its emotions... most of them not pleasant.
I've lived through two hateful, angry, spiteful relationships (from both sides... I'm extremely guilty as well) and I'm still alive. I've lived through lies and sadness unparalleled in my life since 1987. I've gone through a huge life change and lost any sort of savings that I possessed. My wallet was stolen along with my identity. I have no security blanket other than living on a bond that has been forged with my parents through birth.
Although some people in New Hampshire would disagree if they were reading this, the reality is that I had a really good situation in New Hampshire, and it was only getting better. I left that to start over and struggle. The struggle is fought in two places... in my place of residence and within my mind, which is the battle over whether to stay and continue Nine 11 or to return to New Hampshire and just enjoy life.
The struggle must continue. I believe in the journey I'm on that much. I can not shirk this because of my own selfish stupidity. Pretty much... EVERYTHING that could go wrong this year HAS. I'm still standing. And on top of that, I'm in the best shape of my life. It didn't kill me... it's all angered me.
I just hope that in the process I don't lose my ability to be happy.
On Friday night/Saturday morning, I was stranded in Boston, MA. I realized that, for once in my life, I couldn't afford a hotel. They wouldn't let me stay in the terminal, so there was really no option for me other than to stay up all night in some diner or place that would allow me to do so, moving from one place to the next. And so, I started walking. I walked all the way up to Government Center with my bags, and not finding anything there, I headed south, thinking I might have better luck.
Then I walked past Boston Commons... and I saw some poor homeless person sleeping on a park bench.
I figured... "Why not?"
I walked past the park bench and into the park to locate a nice, dry spot. I finally found one on top of a little knoll and just laid down, my bag serving as my pillow. Sure, it was cold, but my mind was too distant to know the difference between a few degrees of body warmth. There I was... me, myself, and the stars... as it was before the two hateful relationships, before the sadness, before the move, before the savings lost, and before the identity theft. And here I was... after all those things. My vantage point of the stars might've changed due to location, but I realized that while NH to NY is a huge distance for me... the stars look the same. I've studied the constellations, and they are no different... just a little tougher to see in NYC. I thought of these things as I drifted off, hugging my laptops as I went to sleep, the wind whipping softly against the little opening in the hood of my Celtics jacket.
I wonder if homeless people contemplate these things. To be honest, there isn't a whole lot that separates them and I... perhaps motivation to upgrade the struggle will happen very soon. A lot of things have been going on, and I want to write about them, namely, the winner of the Matty Award this year. But I will wait... because I'm here at South Station and it's time to leave.
I wish everyone who is reading this blog a safe sleep in your beds tonight. And do me a favor... put the laptop down and fall asleep with the one you love in your arms. Not sharing the stars is a crime.
