I feel like it's been awhile since i've written in my journal. But there's a lot to write about so I think I'll take the time to write whatever I'm feeling about a few subjects.

I met a girl a long time ago over the internet who I knew would become an incredibly special girl. Her talents have come to fruition and she is able to divide reality into circles and lines, more so than anyone I've ever met. i'm sad that I've lost her as a person I was able to talk back and forth with, but the reality is that she has outgrown me in so many ways that it doesn't surprise me. She is a leader of a new generation of artists, and it's only a matter of time before that art comes to fruition. Everyone will know her soon, and to tell this journal her name would be a waste of time because she's going national. And she'll be going soon.

I miss her. I think she's a great woman. Growth waits for no person, though.

I miss Exeter more than anything else. I miss that bastion of thought that put my interest in learning on the map. I miss the time when I was not misunderstood for things that I say. I miss the time when people described me as gentle and kind.

The NH Theatre community, many of whom I consider my friends (even though many refuse to talk to me), have, on the whole, always misunderstood my intentions. I never wanted the recognition that came with a successful event that put performing arts on the map in New Hampshire, and if I could trade the Matty Award for one moment of pure understanding, I would.

This does not, in any way, belittle what has been created in my name. I wish it had another name attached to it, though. If I had my way, Sara Brown, this year's recipient should be the namesake of the award. I have never been comfortable with praise and recognition.

I just wished in New Hampshire that somehow, some way, I could live and work without praise... not because I am a jerk, or a person who doesn't enjoy it, but because it's very difficult in my mind to accept praise for doing something I really love. That's the reason I got out of acting. It got to the point where I hated the accolades. I just wanted to have the opportunity to be something I wasn't, and that's all.

And you know what? It's great, because in New York City, that's what life is like. I just got a freelance job and I get paid to have all the answers. They don't praise me, they don't slap me on the back, they don't give me the thumbs up. I am a cog in a large machine. I am paid to do a job. That's how I always wanted it to be. It's like Exeter where I can do great things, but it doesn't matter, because all around me, people are doing awesome, incredible, excellent, life-altering things. I feel like I'm home. A part of me misses New Hampshire and the people I loved there, but I feel more comfortable living in the city than I have anywhere else my entire life.

I don't think the New Hampshire Theatre community believes when I say that I don't want praise. It's the only thing I regret in leaving New Hampshire... that I wasn't able to somehow make them understand why I didn't. I don't call myself an intellectual, an artist, a creator, a visionary, an asshole, a dumbass, a womanizer, a short-sighted fool, because all of those titles don't describe who I am. I feel like I'm a little piece of all of those.

Re: Nine 11, I haven't been able to write now for two weeks... the writer's bloc is suffocating me. I think when August rolls around and I have my interviews, things will start to finally pick up. I'm also trying for the Jonathan Larson grant to try and gain a little bit of steam for Nine 11. I hope they love the concept and the cd of music I'm making for them.

I miss my dogs in NH. I need to get a dachshund soon. =(

I am so happy for the folks that put together Studio 57. I have not been able to see it, but will try to do so the first week of August when I go to NH for Nine 11.

I'm so happy I landed this freelance job with Glazer and Kalayjian. This is an incredibly professional group who have a multi-talented staff of people working in harmony with each other. I enjoy working with Vasken, the president of GKDesign, and the staff members who are incredible. True artists with amazing vision. We work on the 27th floor of this high rise and the view on the roof (you can eat lunch up there) is to die for. You can see all the way from one side of the island to the other. He must've had an incredible view of the World Trade Center on 9/11. Right now, I'm doing web development for the company and helping out in other areas. It's just a happy time. I bring my G5 to work (with the 23" monitor to help counterweight it) and everyone in the office looks at me funny because they feel sorry for me. They don't realize that when I worked at the magazine, I did that every morning. =)

There was never a time in which I felt as happy as I do now... girlfriend or no girlfriend. I belong here. I belong in the now. Finally, I'm not driven by some possible future. I'm driven by the moment. The light at the end of the tunnel is still there, but the tunnel's darkness has been replaced by beautiful murals on its walls that possess the ability to take my breath away.

There is no time like the present. I now know what I was missing in my life in New Hampshire. I was missing the ability to enjoy the moment because the moment was locked inside the city that never sleeps but always dreams.

I love you, New York. Let me write my music for you.